I Think the Coffee Machine at Work is a Dude!

Flavia Machine via dickster1961

We have a Flavia machine in my office.  For those of you who do not know what it is, it is a single serve brewer that uses individual pouches to brew a cup of coffee or tea.  It can also be used to make cappuccinos and mochaccinos by combining two different pouches.

Unlike my Keurig K-Cup brewer, the Flavia machine has a sensor under the spout to prevent the brewer from brewing if there is nothing beneath the spout to catch the hot liquid.  I hate to admit this, but there has been more than one occasion when I began brewing a K-Cup and forgot to place a mug under the spout.  What a mess!  Sometimes you just operate on automatic first thing in the morning, and accidents happen.

Recently, I have been having a few issues with the Flavia machine at work.  As you can see in the picture above, when the machine is brewing, the liquid flows straight down, directly into the mug.  On more than one occasion, the machine has been a little less than accurate with the brewing of my beverage.  Instead of the drink flowing straight down into my mug, the drink sprayed either behind the mug or off to the side.  Not only do I not get a full beverage, but then I have a mess to clean up.

It reminded me of my when my son was learning to urinate in the toilet.  Let's just say that his aim wasn't the best.  Not that I myself am not subject to occasional bad aim, especially if I wake up in the middle of the night and need to relieve myself.  Sure, I have all sorts of reasons...er excuses.  Perhaps I didn't turn on the light because I didn't want to disturb anybody, perhaps I was sleepwalking, or I just didn't put on my glasses and couldn't see.  So that is the reason I think the coffee machine at work is a dude.

A Married Man's Guide to Christmas

Image via WikipediaBy now, most of you know that I am married and have a special needs child, so I am both a husband and a father.  While I am both of those things, I am first and foremost a guy.  As a guy, I typically enjoy guy humor, especially when it come to the subject of marriage.

One of my favorite "guy" books of humor was Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys.  It is a laugh out loud book about guys because there is so much he describes that I can relate to.  For example, in the men's room there are certain rules.  If you enter the men's room and see a series of urinals you take one on the end of the series.  If another guy is using a urinal, you go to the opposite end of the urinals.  If by chance you have to take one next to another guy, you stare straight ahead, and by all means you do not talk, unless it is a comment about how cold or deep the water is.

I was in the mood to read something a little lighthearted and holiday related.  I found A Married Man's Guide to Christmas written by Robert Henry.  In this tour de force, Henry tackles all of the thoughts, feeling, and fears of the typical married man faces as he approaches the holiday season.  There are all the household projects that have to be completed because the wife requires the perfect Christmas decor as seen in the holiday magazines.

In addition to the hazards of decorating the outside of the home, Henry talks about the married man's fears in heading out to the mall to find the right gifts for the little missus, in spite of all her hints.  There is frequent discussion of the need of large quantities of alcohol in dealing with the holiday season.  Even more alcohol is needed when dealing with all of the family members on both sides of the family that you would never want to see outside of the holidays.

I found  myself laughing out loud at several spots in the book because so much of it is true.  When describing why he always says he doesn't want anything for Christmas, here is his response.

You see, the problem is...I'm a guy.  We are by nature low-present-maintenance creatures.  We haven't worn the clothes we got last year because when we reached into the drawer, they weren't on top.  And we can't figure any reason to dig lower because, frankly, we  didn't care about what we were wearing in the first place.

I can really relate to this because this is my philosophy for deciding what I will wear each day.  If it is on top of the clean pile, that's what I put on.

One of my pet peeves in life is people who wear to much cologne.  In the chapter in dealing with those relatives that you would rather not see, but must during the holidays, Henry has this to say about one particular in-law:

Fred needs to die.  I suggest drowning him in cologne, an act for which he has provided a substantial head start.

A punishment that several people I know needs to have inflicted upon them.

All in all though, Henry says that despite all these things, us guys love Christmas.  In spite of all the travails of the season, we wouldn't change a thing.  We can take some comfort that millions of married men are going through the same things as we all are.  The book itself is very short, and was literally laugh out load funny.  It was a very enjoyable break from the stress and strain of the holiday season and daily life.

 

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Big Deck

I think every guy dreams of having a big deck.  You gotta feel sorry for a guy who feels inadequate because his deck just is too small. There is nothing better than hanging out with your buddies, having a beer, while sitting on a big deck, and looking at Uranus.  This is so freaking hilarious.

Classic Movies for Today

I received these via email the other day. Some classic movie stills recast for today.

WARNING:  IF YOU ARE A LIBERAL YOU PROBABLY WON'T CARE FOR THESE

Bonnie & Clyde

The Godfather

Gone With the Wind

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

The Wizard of Oz

It's a Wonderful Life

 

I Need a Good Laugh

I am in a not so happy place the last couple days.  If you are a regular reader, then you know that I work a part time job delivering pizzas.  Even with that extra money coming in, it seems like every time I get a little extra cash on hand, something comes up.  The latest things to come up for us is an unexpectedly high water bill.  On top of that, the electric company recently changed the meters in my neighborhood because there was a defect in the old meters causing them to register less electricity used.  Consequently, we are being billed about double for our electric bill.

On the part time job front, we had an incident last night that makes me wonder how long I can continue to deliver pizzas.  One of the other drivers was robbed when leaving a delivery.  Some guys came up to him and stuck a gun to his chest and demanded all his money.  Fortunately he was not harmed.  After an incident like that, one stops to consider if it is worth it to continue doing it for the extra few dollars it brings in each month.  I have never wanted to own a gun, but now I wonder.  I definitely need to find something to bring in more cash.

So, being in a not so happy place, I felt the need to add some funnies to today's post.  I thought this was kind of cute.

Next time you think you have had a bad day, think about this guy.


I saw this item in the international food section of the grocery store today.  Some things don't translate well into English.

I saw this one over on SpicyBugz World.  I need one for men.

Of course, I have to add this Nate Beeler cartoon from Friday to have something a little political.

That's Gotta Hurt!

With friends like this, who needs enemies?  Sure this is rather sophomoric humor, but when I saw this today, I laughed so hard I nearly cried.  Hat tip to my friend Jeff J. who emailed this video to me.

Two Trillion Bucks

My brother in law sent this to me this morning. Yes, my sister is married to a proud right wing extremist. I think this song pretty much sums things up.

Keith Olbermann/Jackass

The LA Times got it right on their television guide last Thursday when they listed "Jackass" in the "Countdown With Keith Olberman" time slot. There isn't a bigger jackass on the air than Keith Overbite Olberman.

It was an innocent mistake on the part of the Times, but oh how appropriate. A blogger for the Times, Andrew Morton, saw the humor in the error and commented on it in a post statingm "a few thousand people might have tuned into MSNBC, the Obama administration's favorite cable channel, expecting to see a Jackass show, and instead they'd have found Olbermann."

The next night on Olbermann's program, Keith shows that he can dish it out but he can't take it. Jackass is correct, and maybe a little understated.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

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A Case of Mistaken Identity

I am sure everyone has had the experience of answering the telephone and having it been a wrong number. Most of the time you don't get a return call, but every now and then you run across somebody who is convinced they have the correct number. No matter how hard you try, you just can't convince them they are wrong.

Well with all of the various forms of communication, there are so many more ways for this to happen. Yesterday, I was sitting in my office when I felt my Blackberry Storm vibrate and signal I had a text message. I did not recognize the number, but responded in case it was somebody I did know. Here is the exchange of text verbatim:

Txt: Come back

Me: Where?

Txt: Room

Me: who is this?

Txt: Jamie

Me: I do not know a Jamie

Txt: Bitch stop playing

At this point I did not respond and received no other text messages from this person. I thought they finally figured out that I was not the person they thought I was. I was wrong. This morning I received the following texts:

Txt: Where u at

Txt: U got to come get me

Txt: Txt me now

Me: You got the wrong number

Txt: This is jamie bitch

Txt: This is jamie bithch

Txt: Young get the fuck up and come 2 super 8 an get me

Txt: What the fuck u going i need u 2 come now asap

Me: Dude u r shit outta luck cuz I don't know who the fuck u r

Txt: Bitch its jamie stop the dum shit young what the fuck

Txt: Bitch its jamie stop the dum shit young what the fuck

Me: Look you dumb fuck. I keep telling u that I don't know who the fuck you are but you are just too stupid to get it. I am not who u think I am

That was a little over an hour ago, and I have not gotten another text from Jamie. I can only surmise that Jamie and this mystery person were in the Super 8 yesterday and probably had some sort of disagreement. Mystery person left and poor Jamie is stranded at the Super 8. Let's hope that Jamie finally got a clue and was able to get in touch with the right person.

New Exercise Video

A couple months ago, during President Obama's first address to Congress and the American people, I expressed my annoyance with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's constant jumping to her feet to applaud everything the messiah had to say. Well, I personally could stand to lose a few pounds, so I was happy to see some good come out of her idiocy; a brand new exercise video "Sweatin' to the Socialists." Not since Richard Simmon's "Sweating to the Oldies" has there been a more effective way to lose weight.

Office Work

On Monday when I get to the office I think I will do a little rearranging of the shelves in the copy room.

Be Careful What You Name Your Kids-Part 2

Last August, I shared the story of a massage parlor worker from Colorado with the name of Mi Sook Yoo who was arrested in a prostitution raid. Her name was a source of mild amusement on my part due to the charges she faced. Well lightning has struck again.

This time, the incident took place in Tampa, FL at the Innerscent spa. The woman pictured in the adjacent mug shot was charged with two counts of prostitution and two counts of practicing massage without a license. In their arresting affidavits, the officers say she offered to perform oral sex on them at the end of the massage for a fee of $150. Her name; Ho Suk Kim.

George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton

The two former presidents were speaking at the National Automobile Dealers convention in New Orleans.  These two seem to have become good friends.  I love Bubba's reaction to Bush's story.  He is right though, Clinton could not get away with telling that story.  When he said some people can do things that others can't, and then talked about the story of the dogs, I was afraid he was going to go with the old joke; "Why is that dog licking himself? Because he can."

Chuck Berry-My Ding-a-Ling

Chuck Berry is a rock-n-roll icon. The Beatles covered two of his early hits, "Roll Over Beethoven" and "Rock and Roll Music." With other big hits like "Maybelline", "Sweet Little Sixteen", and "Johnny B. Goode," it is hard to believe that "My Ding-a-Ling" was his only #1 hit. I remember this song from when I was an 11 year old kid in the summer of 1972. I vaguely remember thinking that it was "dirty" but funny. Years later, this song still makes me smile.

The Secret to Bra Size

For those of you who ever wondered what the letters to bra sizes really mean, here you go.

Shot in the Head

This morning, my boss forwarded me the following article:

"Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could be irrelevant. "

OK, I know it is just an urban legend, but I thought it was funny and I wanted to share it. I was especially fond of the Democrat and Obama supporter comment.

RIP Bernie Mac

I was shocked to see the headline that Bernie Mac had passed away at the relatively young age of 50 due to complications from pneumonia. I did not follow Mac's career closely, but I always enjoyed watching him. While I wasn't exposed to all his work, I had seen enough to know what kind of performer he was. That's is why I was so surprised at the outrage and controversy when Bernie Mac spoke at a Barack Obama rally. After all, if you are going to have a comedian of Bernie Mac's ilk speak at a rally, you are going to get, well, Bernie Mac. To think otherwise is to be naive or disingenuous.

Anyway, in tribute to Mac, here he is at his finest.

Men's Room Etiquette

This definitely goes against every piece of men's room etiquette that I have ever heard of. Most of the guys I know don't talk at all when taking care of business.