Things the Pizza Guy Would Like to Say

I know what you are thinking.  The life of a pizza guy, how glamorous that must be.  However, contrary to popular belief it is quite the opposite, no matter how many sexy pizza delivery prank videos there are on YouTube or porn sites that suggest otherwise.

About the closest I ever came to one of those sexy pranks was when I showed up at one house and nobody answered.  I had delivered their pizza about 15 minutes after they ordered it.  Finally, two kids showed up and one said his parents were kind of busy and didn't want to be interrupted.  The mother came down about that time with a bath robe on cinched tight around her neck.  Folks, 30 minutes is just an estimate.  It could be longer or shorter.

I normally deliver pizzas on Friday and Saturday night.  Even though these are the two busiest nights for pizza delivery, I often have a little bit of downtime between deliveries, especially after 8pm.  It is at that time that I find myself turning to Twitter.  Usually, during those times, I am looking for news articles that I can post to my Twitter feed.  Lately, though, I have posted some tweets of my thoughts while delivering, including things I would like to say to certain customers.

When I first conceived of the idea of this post a week ago after making a delivery to a customer who gave me what I considered a frustrating tip.  My intention was for it to be a humorous look at how clueless some people are.  However, last night was a particularly frustrating night, so you will forgive me if some of my thoughts to follow are a little more bitter than I originally intended.

First, let me tell you a bit about how my particular pizza place works.  If I am in the store, I get paid minimum wage.  If I am on a delivery, I get half of minimum wage.  The store charges a $2 delivery fee, but the driver does not get that fee.  You can see that stated on the receipt above which is from one of my deliveries last night.  Yes, you also can see the big $1 tip the customer gave me.  So clearly, we are relying on tips to get to at least minimum wage.

The website tipthepizzaguy.com goes into great detail about the pizza delivery business and the proper amount to tip.  Typically, for a delivery, you should tip 15-20% as you would in a restaurant with a suggested minimum tip of $3.  Consideration should also be given for inclement weather and distance traveled.

Now on to the main topic of this post.

There was one delivery last week where I had to drive more than 5 miles to make the delivery to the customer.  She gave me a $2 tip.  The pizza guy wanted to say, "I will have to drive over 10 miles round trip to make your delivery.  With the price of gas, your big tip of $2 barely covers the expense of driving my car to get you your pizza."

My favorite thing that I would like to say to customers is, "If you can not afford the cost of a pizza with a proper tip, next time get Digiorno, not delivery."

This weekend, I had a customer with a $30 deliver prepay her $2 tip online.  When I made the delivery, she said, "Did you see that the tip was already on there?"  My desired reply, "Yes, I did.  Thanks for pointing out again how cheap you are."

The receipt you see above is from one of my deliveries last night.  As you an see, it is a whopping $1.06 tip on an $18.94 order.  Here is what I tweeted along with a picture of the receipt, "Are you kidding me? I should've shaken their sodas so they sprayed all over them."

I have had people pay for their order with a credit card and had their kids answer the door.  I have seen cash in the kids hands for the tip, which somehow never manages to get into my pocket.  I have always wanted to call the phone number on the ticket and say, "You know the cash you gave your kids to give to the pizza guy? Well they put it in their own pocket."

That is not to say that everybody is a complete and total dolt when it comes to tipping the pizza guy. Most people typically do get it right, and some even are extra generous.  During Hurricane Irene, I had a guy give me $40 for a $24 delivery.  As I was fishing in my pocket for change, he said, "On a night like this, just keep it."

One day last week, I was delivering to a house, and a high school cheerleader answered the door.  Typically, younger customers don't tip well, but this one did.  I tweeted, "A high school cheerleader just took good care of this pizza guy. Get your minds out of the gutter. She gave me a $12 tip on a $15 order."  Now if only I could get one of those sexy prank deliveries.